dear lover...'s Journal
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dear lover...

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[Jun 18, 2010 | 11:43am]

To my first love,

You will always be my love. Age didn't matter when we were still kids. We still grew up together and I don't regret it. Distance always played a role for us and we always dreamed of finally seeing each other. But if it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe we weren't meant to be, which is why I never breathed a breath near you for over five years. Baby love, in the course of our long distance relationship, we never saw each other once. You didn't mind the distance and you disliked the fact that I kept bringing it up, but you knew I was a physical person. But because of my feelings for you, I continued waiting, hoping, praying. When you finally realized that the distance was damaging our relationship and destroying me slowly, it was too late. It hurt me more that you were planning a surprise visit to be my prom date, even though I knew you didn't want to be my date a long time ago, but sweetie, it was just too late. I moved on to someone else, someone near me, who didn't treat me the way you did.

You changed drastically, and I'm part of the blame. From the sweet, young man I fell in love with, you turned bitter and let your anger take control of your relationship with me. I was no longer your girlfriend, but a companion whom you unknowingly yet continuously manipulated the feelings I had for you- becoming upset with my actions, questioning my whereabouts, putting me in panic situations, you just didn't care about me anymore. Yet, my heart didn't change for you and I don't know why, especially when everyone kept telling me to leave you. Then you fucked up. More than once. Because I thought you were going to change and that it wasn't going to happen again. I was wrong. You did it again, and again, and again. I became numb and I needed professional help. What I did was for the best- for your safety, especially. You know you need to get back on your feet again, to get somewhere in life, but you can't do that while juggling a long distance relationship. When you asked me to start over again, at "the tip of the iceberg" you said and then you suggested moving at a snail's pace, I desperately wanted to say yes. Yes, because, I was crazy for you and I love you. But I had to say no because you know me, I will always worry about you and do my best to spend time with you as much as I can, even though you refuse to let me do those things, but that was just in my nature. It felt like you never accepted me for who I am, anyway. You kept trying to change me.

I met someone while I was trying to figure out how to end things between us. He's kind, sweet, and not only does he treat me right, but he respected the fact that I was still in our relationship and he force me into anything until he was sure that things were done and over between you and me. I'm happy with him now, but you, you need to GROW UP. I blew up at you once because I pushed away my feelings of hurt and anger and I wanted you understand and realize how much you put me through these past couple of years. I don't know if you do realize it, you claim you do, but it doesn' t feel like it. It's okay, really, as long as you know my side of the story. I know it hurt, but that was only a fraction of what you caused me. I didn't want to lose contact with you ever, but since I put that picture up of me smiling in my boyfriend's arms, you decided to delete me off MSN and Facebook JUST BECAUSE OF THAT PICTURE. You even said that if I wanted to continue talking to you, I had to change the picture, how stupid are you, really? That was also controlling. Now, I assume that you blocked me so I can't do anything. I wanted to text you, to tell you that I got my phone back and you can always text me, but I decided against it.

I'm getting over you now, I realized that if this is how you were going to be then I needed better. Not to mention, I broke up with you so you didn't have to juggle a long distance relationship while you were getting your life back together. You haven't done that yet, either. You just stay on the computer all day usually. How is that supposed to make me feel? Especially with all our dreams and hopes?

I may always love you, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross again later on, but for now... Grow up, mature, and take care.

Loving you always.
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[Apr 23, 2010 | 9:36pm]

Dear Beautiful Boy,
Your middle name needs to be Ian because it would fit with the rest of your name.
Your current girlfriend lives 45 minutes away, that's far when you consider that it takes 5 minutes to get to me.
We have mutual like for each other... I wish you could be an asshole and just break up with someone.
You're what I've always hoped for, now let this happen, please.


P.S. I will never stop talking to you because you tell me something, I'm not as fragile as you may think. So tell me your life and it'll be okay.
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farewell [Jan 18, 2010 | 5:50pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

Dear K,

And so it goes, that months ago we were happy, things were simple, laughter was easy. You said I was beautiful, that you could be yourself with me, I told you that you are handsome, and sexy, and that you caused smiles and laughter to flow from me uninhibited, And then out of the blue the moment came that I always knew would arrive, You moved, and then you found something better and prettier, Your honesty was the saving grace in the situation, Even though you promised our friendship would continue, You broke that promise, And then, the kicker of it all, was what has finally come to light, You have returned to your old life, with hopes of finding again that shiny happiness that we all crave and want, Never could I hold that against you, I have done it before, and would do it all the same given the chance to "re-do", So, even with that broken promise, I am wishing for you, Happiness, and love like never before, And remember that my friendship has not disappeared, It is mearly sitting in the sidelines, cheering you on, My love for you will never fade, and all the things I ever said to you, Will always hold true, Be well my friend, may all that you deserve find you.

I love you more today than I did on that first day.

T (me)

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[Oct 28, 2009 | 7:39pm]


I've had these conversations with you time and time again and it never seems to get into your head so I am officially throwing in the towel. I love you with all my heart, I love you more than I've loved anyone before (romantically of course). I can actually see myself marrying you, having kids with you and growing old with you and I've never been able to say that about anyone before.

When all this started it felt perfect, it felt amazing. You made so much effort to do sweet things, if we weren't going to get the chance to talk one day I'd get sweet messages from you. You'd take five minutes away from your friends to call and say goodnight, you'd text me in the morning to wish me good morning. Nothing big and fancy just little things to let me know that you cared.

But now... now it feels like you don't care at all. You talk to me when you have free time, but you don't make time. I don't get messages unless I send them first. And the most I can ask for in a text is, "are you busy?" or "what are you up to?"

For the longest time I've been putting stuff aside so that I would have a chance to talk with you, even just for five minute but I'm not willing to do that anymore if you aren't willing to reciprocate.

We see each other maybe once a month or once every couple months so I don't think it's too much to ask that you show you care somehow.

I am not even angry or upset anymore. I know you are fed up with me getting upset with you and I hope you know I'm past that. I'm just calm now, I am at the point where I am starting to not care either. I can't keep putting energy and emotions into something that you are not willing to do the same for. I love you very much, but something is going to change if it's not you than it will be this relationship.

So please, start caring again.

- Me
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[Oct 19, 2009 | 8:34pm]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

Dear you,
I’ve finally brought myself to a stop and forced myself to sit down in the company of my cigarettes and write you a letter. Maybe it’s a few years too late, I was never any good at keeping track of time, it always had a way of slipping through my fingers like sand as I try to count how many hours I’ve spent thinking of you.

I’ve written you before, pages and pages in all different colours of ink. Never quite worked up the courage to post them, I let them rot on my windowsill for a few months, I thought about throwing them away but every time I’ve packed and moved, I’ve always found boxes to keep them in, thinking one day I may give them to you just so you could know that you meant something, quite a lot.

Has anyone told you that before? Maybe they have and you forgot.

My memory betrays me, although it makes it easier for me to forget, sometimes it easier that way. Call me cowardly, but it works for me. It works right up until I think of how you would smell and then I’m instantly lost and I’m not sure if I can deal with that again.

True romance is deadly and you sure do have a way with words. I feel tiny around you, like you’re a planet and I’m your moon and I only exist to revolve around you and bask in your glory, and I do, with a smile on my face. But when you’re gone, you’re gone. Taking bits of me with you, bits I start to forget. Maybe this never even happened, maybe you’re not real. You fit too perfectly into my puzzle, I’ve started to think I’ve made you up. You’re just a figment of my imagination, too swell for words.

I fucked it up, fucked you up good. You say it wasn’t my fault but we both know there’s blame. Now you’re all locked up, cold, hard and lonely and I don’t blame you one bit. It just hurts because I long to see you naked, with the sheets fallen down. I want to see your name written by your hand, I want to read your stories and bury myself so far into your mind that it becomes the only reality I know.

But I missed my chance and you missed yours too. Then again, we really never had a chance in the first place. The decision was made for both of us, we didn’t have a choice. Or maybe we’re too alike for our own good and our apathy is to blame. You see, I have to be apathetic with you because if I’m not, the intensity of it all will shake my world and make me crumble.

Maybe I’m glorifying this all too much, maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was everything.

Makes me wonder how it felt for you.


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[Oct 8, 2009 | 8:05am]

 Dear Nj

We're going nowhere with this. If you really want to take a chance on me, then do it when you break up your girlfriend! I'm not exactly willing to come between you guys since I do have a code of ethics in relationships, plus I don't want any drama from you or your girl!

Jeeeeez! Stop leading me ON!!!

Wishing she had no love for you,
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[Sep 2, 2009 | 8:06pm]

Dear Pepper:

I know we never talk and we've just met, but three days ago I had a dream about you and I can't stop thinking about it. I know it's a bit weird.
I hope you get to notice me one day. I hope we can talk someday.
You seem like a really nice guy.

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And then there were two, you and me, me and you [Jul 15, 2009 | 2:39pm]

[ mood | jealous ]

Dear M. W. H.

I can't stop thinking about you. I haven't been able to for almost a year now. I tell myself it's never going to be "Us" and I know it won't. I'm not going to let my dreams get in the way of reality. The fact is, I think we could be soul-mates, even in a platonic sense, if only there weren't these ridiculous social norms between us. Age? I doesn't matter to me. Religion? I'd convert for you. Money? I don't need what little you have and would never take it from you.

We could be perfect.

But there are so many obstacles to overcome. Your marriage, my still being a student - I'm "yet to enter Real Life", as you say - your religion, my anxiety disorder. Not to mention that M. is head over heels for you and you two are good friends. I can't ever imagine you having an affair, but if you did, it would be with her, doubtless.

Can't you just break my heart and be done with it? I am finished with this longing.

Yours, despite the ache,
E. R. N.

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[Jun 15, 2009 | 7:21pm]

I know it seems tough right now, because of the distance, but just you wait. It'll be worth it in the end, that I promise you. You're an amazing person, and I couldn't ask for anyone more spectacular, good-hearted, a better listener, and so much more. I love you. Undeniably. Wholeheartedly.


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[Apr 13, 2009 | 5:32pm]


Admittedly, we both did some stupid things. I was more compelled out of pain than anything...and now I still feel really bad and a little empty. But since you understand what I was going through, you can't really blame me for soliciting the advice of close friends. You say I could have talked to you, but that offers little to no consolation especially when even you don't have the answers. And yeah, I do regret some things that took place, like I regret everything. If we had not started out on a romantic foot, I feel like things would have gone much better. Even with apologies said, burnt bridges extinguished, I still feel at a loss. Not to sound selfish or anything, but you have someone from which a true romantic relationship can flourish, whereas I do not right now. I will never hesitate to say I wish he was me. You really came out on top here I think, even if you're feeling a little bit embarrassed or humiliated. Your true friends are going to be quick to forgive and forget. The most important thing to me is that you have shown some true remorse which I accept as your most sincere apology and I truly forgive you. I want you to stay close more than anything; please understand, I don't want you to ever disappear. But, I guess I need some space otherwise I'm not going to heal properly. Sure, I'll pretend to be happy and everything, but I still have some really strong feelings for you so I'm basically just fooling you and myself. One day we'll look back at all this and laugh, one of us might laugh harder than the other and give that one a stern look and a punch, lol.

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